Uncertainty

It is amazing, hurting and even poetic to see who life behaves like a fckn scale.

While some people start finally finding themselves, I feel more lost every day. Drowning in sorrow, doubts, loneliness and emptiness 

Will never make myself out of this lif3. I've been thought better...

But what a shitty feeling, to live the life I'm living.

Empty, lonely, hurt.

I'm strong, resilient, smart and loving.

Not leaving this place,

Challenging myself one more time to get over these ghosts of the past.

But you will never be a ghost. Ironically, you made me know and understand how strong I can be.... . 

It just hurts... 

A ghost that lingers... 

A love misplaced...

A friend forever, even when we don't friend.

09/03

Eyes open

And all your known folks start feeling distant...

And all of them feed from your bright energy.

And when you take a moment to think about your dark days,

You can even recall names.

Cause they haven't been there, 

Cause they didn't notice.

Cause you're just an additive,

Never the subject.

Day 75

Day 75 sober, decided to go out for a drink and a dance.

Same annoying people, same emptiness.

Feeling like a loner.

3 loght drinks and already feeling like when I used to bottoms up a bottle of 14% margarita.

Time moves forward,

People and situations don't.

Trying to find that joy that used to come out of me naturally and fill a room.

Loathing...

To move on.

That's everyone's easier advice, to move on. Always easier said than done. And I'm still doing it, still giving it my all. But it's not an easy task, having to move on, while standing in the same place we once shared. A place filled with empty spaces, memories, absences... the place where we built our dreams at, the place that served as refuge for the both of us. It was a happy place at times, and it was a very sorrow place other times. But I'm still here. And it becomes so dificult to look at the brighter side of things, when I'm still huged and surrounded with all this memories and emptiness.

To move on they say....

Vidas robadas, cuerpos de otros, notas no enviadas,sentimientos prestados.... Vivir sin vivir!

Lagrimas que corren sin querer, sabores muertos y vivos se mezclan con el alcohol. Olores que van en mi cartera recordandome algo que se niega a ser recuerdo, que se niega a ser vivencia. Rabias, sonrisas, cuerpos y sudores se van de viaje a una liquadora, mezclandose sin saber donde quedaron. En segundos lo que se veia con forma se vuelve mierda, churras que corren quemando hasta la ultima fibra del culo dejando tan solo ardor. Tu cuerpo, que saboreo, que aun llevo en mi paladar, trata de hacerse ver como un cuerpo muerto. Muerto? Un carajo..  si lo he escuchado latir, vibrar y hasta crujir. Sudar, temblar, y a mudas decirme "si". Cuerpos de otro en una misma carne, compartida, silente, temerosa... aterrorizada de vivir. Todos queremos vivir, sentir, mas tu en tu cobardia te apasiona mas el huir. Huir fingiendo hacerlo por mi. Como carajos has de saber mi dieta? Lo que mi cuerpo quiere, desea y respeta? Lo que mi corazon aguanta, espera y planea? Acaso eres Dios? Acaso tus miedos te llevan a la divinidad viendo mas alla de lo que el mismisimo Dios ignora? Acaso me ves en tu espejo? Huyendo de dolores, de nuevas experiencias, de sonrisas y almas plenas? Cobarde!!! Viviendo en cuerpos de otros comenzaste a desconocer el tuyo, dejandolo morir, convirtiendolo en ruinas que se niegan a ser descubiertas, exploradas. Todo y nada se juntan en tu alegria, y todo te causa alegrias mas nada te hace feliz. Mas yo, con cuadernos de notas no enviadas te invito a vivir, a amar, a creer y sentir. Giras la mirada justo en frente de tu reflejo en el espejo como quien no quiere vivir, quien se niega ser feliz. Marcado en una fe incierta que no es tan dificil de describir, pues la fe sin obra es muerta y yo me niego a vernos morir.
Un te quiero son tan solo dos palabras con 8 letras... pero que al fin son par... mas aun asi te invito a vivir viviendo, a creer lo que somos. A mirarte al espejo y ver lo que yo veo en ti... creerlo, tener fe y lanzarte a mil pies de altura como aquel dijo que se lanzo y aun espera en la escalera... a confiar y fluir...a darle gracias a Dios y a la vida... a la coincidencia... al gran escape, a tus "flaws and all" .... al nuevo dia, al quedate.... a estar marcados. A los cuerpos de otros, las notas no enviadas y la posibilidad de llegar a estar enamorados.... comprometidos. Tan solo come.... reza...ama!

Rostros

Entre maletas y bultos cargados de recuerdos, de dolores, de sonrisas, cicatrices e ilusiones se despunta el viaje. Viaje sin destino ni pasaporte. Viaje a lo desconocido, sin saber a donde me dirijo, sin un nombre en papel que diga quien soy, lo que busco ni lo que he vivido. He dejado tanto de mi por los rincones que ni tan siquiera se el porcentaje de mi que aborda esta nave, pero aun asi hago el check-in. Bajo un Alias espero por mi turno y mientras espero voy revisando entre viejos rostros que me acompañan. Entre ellos veo varios que me animan a abordar, otros tantos que me llenan de temor. Pero temor a que? Acaso a los pedazos de mi que fueron arrebatados sin ser ofrecidos, sin voluntad. Pedazos vacios llenos de espacio de los cuales me privaron desde temprana edad. Y aborda el primer grupo, todos sobrecargados de bultos... Y aqui espero, buscando hacer espacio entre tanta cosa que llevo. Y decido soltar, y es claro!!! Si acaso encontrara detalles de este viaje que quisiera llevar conmigo no tendria donde guardarles, y seria un viaje solo de memorias, de recuerdos.... Si me llevo todo no viajo, si me llevo todo me mudo, a convertir cualquier pedazo de lugar en el mismo lugar de siempre. No!!! Basta de compartir lunas repetidas, sabanas dormidas, platos ya servidos, puertas ya cruzadas y ventanas cerradas. Y suelto todo, y unas vez frente a la salida llamada "Mañana" me pregunto, acaso llevo lo necesario? Lo necesario son mis manos para recibir lo que llegue a mi, mi cabeza para almacenar direcciones y vivencias, mi pies para caminar un mundo incierto y mi corazón alerta.... Listo para conocer nuevos rostros, que a la vez atesoren el mio!

"Sometimes you have to be your own advocate", wise words I heard almost 2 years ago.

When it comes to work life, there's so much to look for, and be aware of. In my case, I feel like I've just hit that same wall that I've encountered before. 

It often happens, that when you constantly and repeatedly give your 200%, you become an asset of some sort. People can rely on you, trust and count on you. They trust your knowledge, judgment and even admire your passion and drive. This feeds you with even more drive to get to the next level, to develop, and grow, and deliver, and show even more how passionate and engaged you are, and then saddly, in an unconscious way, this becomes the same attribute that will hold you back from achieving all that you've been pouring , all your energy, love and passion to achieve. I will never forget that time I was told "yes you have it all for that department, but I can't let you move. Before you, nobody wanted your department so it's going to take a while for us to find someone interested in taking it, so that you can move". Like really!? So being a good worker has become now your weakness? To what extent should your pros become or be taken as cons? 

I've been in situations before where I end up working under less "knowledgeable"  "qualified" "experienced" supervisors, filling the seat I've been working tirelessly to get, and my pat on the back has been, "this person it's going to need your help and your knowledge, I will appreciate you to help them, train them and show them what you know".....

Way to go! I could've done that.

I have over 15 yrs of management/supervisory experience.

Am I perfect? Hell no! 

Do I have the drive? Y'all know I do.

Do I have something else to drive me besides the money that comes with it? Yes! 

Passion, love for what I do, and an immense sense of gratitude whenever I'm capable of planting seeds on my teams and watch them grow, and develop, and promote. Because knowledge it's not be kept but to be shared.

I know it's a long rant. I'm just exhausted of hitting my face with the door. 

Some people always say that if the door keep shutting, you might change your path...

I'm just to stubborn to feel or look like a quitter.